What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 01:44
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
How can couples reverse the buildup of resentment once they notice it?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was seconnd youngest,
But, we were locked up after school.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What is your favourite colour and why?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
What is your most intimate experience with your best friend?
One cannot live in the past .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Do you as a gay male enjoy the feeling of getting a penis in your anus?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Comes on , in middle age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He resisted the act ,that day.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We all went to grammer schools
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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I think the readers, may guess!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
What made you recently say to yourself, “Wait. Really?”
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So whats the point in blame.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My life is so biszare .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So, i spoilt her more .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She loved him until the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was in good health!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Would this be the day?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It was going to be , some day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I have no regrets .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I will be 64.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She found it foreign!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She wouldn,t have been !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My family never makes their pension either.
We were not on the streets..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was very sick at this time too.
I was 9 years of age.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i lived it daily.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Who then, do I blame.?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Was to survive, this bastard.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When she asked me how she looked .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i do to all so called friends.?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im still living with it.
I don,t even have a pension.
Ive learnt so much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She married twice! .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But it wasn’t much.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I said to her
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
All the time i was locked up.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What did i know ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
This is soul school!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was scared of men, in general
He knew the spot.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Put me off passion for life!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.